Oshun's Return: The River Must Flow

This is going to be a long exploration into some deep issues, at least for me personally. And some of them relate to the being known as Oshun, but not directly the aspects attributed to her by her followers/devotees. But we’ll get to that eventually. As always, this is about me.
 
A physical act can sometimes transcend the physical form, yet remain a solely physical act. What has meaning to me may not translate into meaning for my partner in the physical act. So here is the story of my re-iniation into what I now believe to be my cronehood. I accept that I have now entered this stage and am a fledgling crone. Having set aside my maiden/mother aspects as having passed.
 
What makes a woman is a very complex series of experiences. All of them vital to the attributes of what molds a woman’s individuality and essence.  She can be childlike with innocence and simultaneously embodying the raw power of every goddess in existence. The complexity of a woman is a mystery even to a woman. And every experience is a building block to revealing those mysteries to myself.
 
The journey of womanhood has been on a path paved with every decision I’ve made. Those decisions were right, for my short term evolution. But the fear of real evolution can stunt enlightenment and ultimately be the sole cause of the devolution of my womanhood. Or at least my recognition of womanhood.

This is that for instance moment in the story... For instance, my decision of celibacy was the right decision 9 years ago. Right for the person I was 9 years ago. But to allow it to continue for 9 years was toxic to my core being. I allowed fear to rule my journey towards enlightenment, essentially halting my growth. But at the same time by indulging my fears and allowing my sexuality to stagnate was a vital lesson in itself. It made my recent emergence from celibacy a more significant act than just the physical act of sex.
 
But deeper than just sex was the opening of a self-constructed dam keeping my sexual energy contained in a dormant pool. Selfishly hoarding my energy for a scenario created in my head that may or may not ever come to be. By doing so I’ve kept myself from experiencing or living in the now of life. A concept I typically pride myself in doing. I claim to live in the moment. There is only now. But in actuality I was living in the what if, living in the waiting. Waiting for a fairy tale that is not real and never will be real if I stayed in that motionless pool of repression.

But it was just sex. Random sex. With a random stranger. I removed the fairy tale, the emotion attached to sex. Removed the blockages of my own making and just enjoyed the moment. I’m not opposed to emotional sex, just as much as I’m not opposed to emotionless sex. I am quite pragmatic about it being just sex. Now that I’ve opened myself up to sex again, I can open up to the possibility of sex from an emotional place. I jumped the first hurtle, allowed someone to make physical contact.

There is a quite spiritual backdrop to my sexlessness. I have been open about my past as a practitioner of magick. When I was a young and scorned woman I performed a spell that had dire consequences-- to me. As anyone who has knowledge and experience in spellwork knows, the manipulation of another person is A VERY BAD DECISION. The backlash of energies is karmically connected to the spell caster. And as a spell caster one must take responsibility for trying to manipulate someone elses free will. So this is how it went down. My husband had just left me. I was emotionally devastated. Also, I was hormonally charged due to being on fertility drugs. As such, I made the unfortunate decision to cast a soul-binding spell between myself and my ex-husband. Without his knowledge or consent. Have I mentioned this being a bad decision? I invoked powers beyond my abilities or comprehension at the time. My soul was indeed bound to my ex-husband. However, his was not necessarily bound to mine. The backlash included my energies being bound to the deity that I naively called upon and invoked within myself. This deity took the payment I arrogantly neglected to offer. And I’ve continued to make penance for such an extreme error in judgement. Lesson learned. I did what needed to be done in order to release her hold over me. Or so I thought. But energetically I’ve been working out this karma via my sex/love life ever since. (details vague on purpose)

The return of Oshun came at the appropriate time in the odyssey of my life. She is the flow of energy releasing my vagina’s imprisonment. She did not put me the 9 year confinement of celibacy, I did. Or my perceived obligation to heal our relationship spurred me into my decision to hit the sexual reset button on my body. There were a convergence of reasons leading to this decision and the celibacy was only meant to last about a year at the longest. The actual length of time that elapsed was unintentional. And unfortunate. It really sucked. I experienced sexual awakenings without sex. Very unsatisfying.

One cannot simply abandon the energy crucial to existence as a human. We are designed with sexual impulses deeply ingrained into our cellular make-up. To deny the primal urges of our being represses our humanity at it’s center. The energy ends up funneling itself out in other ways. For me, these were unhealthy ways. Staying within the celibate mindset was holding me hostage. The ransom paid was my true being- the goddess was denied, betrayed, and left alone along the banks of the Great Miami River. She was enslaved by my continual contradictions of what I truly wanted from life, from myself. I stupidly thought I was waiting for something cosmic to happen. Instead I had chained myself to concepts that did not fit who I am. Celibacy was a square peg and I only have round holes. It never fit my lifestyle, I forced it.

Since the actual sex I have had many comments from people about the change in my physical appearance. “Have you lost weight?”, “Did you do something with your hair?”, “What’s different about you?” I was feeling a bit like Smilin’ Bob from those stupid drug commercials. But it drives home the truth in the matter, it is necessary to incorporate all aspects of ones being into life. Sex is as essential to human life as breathing. Not just for procreation, but for the maintenance of being a healthy adult both physically and psychologically.

Fear still exists. But I am letting my fear walls slowly dissolve into the river of love it is truly meant to be. The honey of my soul, my femininity is to be enjoyed by others again. It isn’t fair to me or to anyone else to hoard my essence away for a rainy day. I am the power behind the goddess and I release her to come out and meet life once again.

Welcome home.

*On a more me-like note: The sex wasn't that great. The only way I got through the last 10 minutes of it was because David Bowie started playing on the radio. He saved my sanity when the dumbass I chose to have sex with wouldn't shut up. So I not only owe my sexuality to goddesses of old, but also to the power of Bowie, an ever constant guiding light in my personal evolution. I took it as a sign that David Bowie is truly omnipresent and worthy of worship. And that I am meant to write that Bowie inspired screenplay. Thank you David Bowie.