Reanimating The Warrior Goddess: Day 3 And I Discover Dwarfercise

I have been fairly successful on my warrior goddess challenge. Day 3 and I have managed to keep my ass moving, mostly. I am still watching a more than acceptable bit of television. But I have come up with an ingenius plan to keep within my couch removal mode. (If I do say so myself) It's a perfect combination of geek, action hero, and fun. Now, you too can join me in DWARFERCISE!

5 Easy Steps To Dwarfercise Success:

Step 1: Insert any Lord Of The Rings DVD/Blueray into player

Step 2: Hold Shake Weight in both hands like a battle axe. *If you do not have a shake weight, substitue with dumbell, kettlebell, or big stick

Step 3: During any and all battle scenes pretend you are a Dwarf fighting with great passion cutting through Orcs, Uruk Hai, and any other enemy of men by swinging Shake Weight or other implement of destruction you desire. Switch from upward to downward stokes often and remember to move from the core. Pull the navel towards the spine as you chop downward. Squat when you swing upwards. Change it up often. And fight like there is an Elf watching. 

Step 4: During non-fighting scenes drink water and sit on the floor (or gym ball if you have one). Stretching/Yoga is encouraged during scenes when Sam is protecting Frodo from a Golem. 

Step 5: During any scene with a Hobbit running into battle only to be denied, run in place.

 

Do this often. And if you get tired of Lord Of The Rings, try these other exercise games. The possibilites are endless and fun. (Not to mention hilarious)

1. Firefly/Serenity- Pretend to be River Tam.

2. Tombstone- Pretend to be Doc Holliday

3.Any Kung Fu film- Pretend to be the evil warlord bent on destroying the hero's master.

4. 300- Be a Spartan

5. Star Trek TNG- Be Lieutenant Warf (seriously, be Warf)

6. ANY MOVIE/TV SHOW YOU LOVE. PRETEND TO BE A WARRIOR FOR AT LEAST 30 MINUTES.

 

**Dear D&D Friends, Do this in the middle of your campaigns and you will love me forever.

Earworm: Duran Duran

So this is the song stuck in my head tonight. And I am A-okay with that. It feeds my Duran Duran addiction. My beautiful Duran Duran addiction.

Reanimating The Warrior Goddess: Ecstatic Dancing

I have already started moving my ass. There are blisters on the balls of my feet from dancing at the Stevie Nicks show. My body and soul feel exorcised of the couch demons.

Are you all ready to dance tomorrow?

Toilet Paper

I have written a short poem about my most recent woes. I hope you enjoy.

Toilet Paper

Do I have enough money to buy toilet paper
Do I have enough money to wipe my ass
Taking a shit shouldn’t cost money
I shouldn’t be too poor to wipe my ass
I need to take out a loan to go grocery shopping
Unless I eat that wallpaper I’ve always hated
But eventually that wallpaper will be gone
And I will be even more hungry and constipated
I guess that solves the toilet paper problem
If I can’t shit I won’t need to wipe
And if there is no food, there will be no shit
So these money woes are just hype

Reanimating The Warrior Goddess: Prep Day 1

I know I'm not starting until Monday, but tonight will be dedicated to preparing for the launch of my 60 day move your ass challenge. 

Tonight's Prepwork Includes:

• Dusting off my elliptical machine, Nordic Track, and various ass movement assisting equipment
• Watching 3 DVD's (the 3 main ones I will utilize including Roller Derby Workout)
• Rearranging furniture to accomodate exercise space
• Cleaning out the fridge to make room for healthy food

Also, I am doing a bellydance workout tonight. If you are joining me in the challenge, how are you going to prepare? Are you starting on Monday with me? We can do it because we are GODDESSES, WARRIORS, SEXY MUTHA FUCKAS!

All self improvement endevors need a mantra or chant to keep the mind focused. Here is ours: My body is divine, let perfection find it's way home. My mind balanced, let harmony find it's way home. My spirit is aglow, let light find it's way home. I am a warrior goddess. 

And because I have a cluttered, chaotic mind I will also be saying this: As I declutter my mind, so I declutter my life. As I declutter my life, so I declutter my mind.

Each week I will post a weekly personal goal. Weekly goals are less daunting than big lofty two months from now goals. This helps my brain process the challenge better.

Personal Goal week 1: To move my ass for a minimum of 20 minutes daily. To smile while moving my ass. To spend at least 5 minutes daily in meditation. Establish baseline measurements, photos, and ouchy places to work on. 

*This challenge subject to evolve as goddesses evolve.

 

Mission: Reanimating The Warrior Goddess

Once upon a time I was a WARRIOR GODDESS. I was in control of my body, my mind, my spirit. I was a fearless diva in the prime of my life. The goddess still lives, she has just been locked in a tower for many years. She was waiting for a hero to come rescue her from this imprisonment. But it seems the only one who can rescue our fair princess from her fate is the princess herself. This is my first step in reclaiming my rightful role as a warrior goddess. She reawakens.
 
60 day move my ass challenge.
This is not a diet or a workout challenge exactly. It is a personal challenge to do something that moves my ass every day for at least 60 days. I am not trying specifically for weight loss, just increased movement. And in turn I will gain increased energy and flexibility.

So what is reanimating the warrior goddess? Looking back on my adult life, I was the most happy and physically healthy when I was indulging my inner warrior princess. I am a bit older and wiser now, so I may not be as obsessed with developing my fighting skills as I was when I was 25. I will however be obsessed with keeping my ass from melding with the couch for countless hours on my days off of work. Couch meld seems comfortable, but in the long run, it is quite painful. Removing a couch from one's ass is a delicate process, but can be done.

What are my methods of ass movement? (1) Yoga (2) Qigong (3) Pilates (4) Walking (5) Dancing (6) Roller Derby Workout/Rollerskating (7) If I’m lucky, which I probably won't be, sex.

Basically the only rule is it has to be some sort of body movement that lasts more than 20 minutes. If I get my mojo back, then I will become more organized with the movement. Most of these methods are available on videos I already have in my collection, so I won’t have to spend any money. I just have to get up off the couch and do it. If I keep with it my ass will be couchless in record time. *Note: I work 12 hour shifts, so I will have to do more movement while at work as time will be an issue on workdays.

What about diet? Well to be honest, I do not eat all that much. My first order of business will be to eat more and more often. At the moment, I am consuming about a quarter to half of the required calories I need for my body weight. You may think that this would cause me to lose weight. No, just the opposite. It causes my body to retain the fat as a survival instinct. I am in my own personal famine scenario. What I am going to have to do is carry more fruits and vegetables with me so I do not miss meals and get more nutrient rich snacks. The hardest part I foresee is being able to afford the food I need. I am in a financial low tide at present. So this must be done on the cheap.

Why blog this shit? Well, simply because I need the power of the internet to keep me honest. If I have to check in with my blog often I will more than likely actually do this silly thing. At some point I will post pictures, measurements of some sort, emotional and spiritual enlightenments, and general musings about uncouchpotatoing myself while life continues to throw weirdness my way. Because you know, the moment you try to improve yourself the Sky Wizards send lightening bolts of challenge to test your resolve. So I fully expect some hurdles to jump. I will look at them as an opportunity to move my ass vertically.

What can you do to help? Well, for one, be supportive. Then, do not throw arbitrary suggestions at me. I have an extensive background in fitness and nutrition, I know what I am doing even if it seems very haphazard. At some point, I will become much more organized. I know myself better than anyone else does, I am not at the point mentally to do an all or nothing program. So just cheer me on. And if you want, join in the fun. This will be an evolution of lazy human into divine warrior.

The games begin Monday August 22, 2011.

 

Rockstar Junkie Chronicles Volume 1: Frank Zappa, My Grand Wazoo

It is no secret that I am a music junkie. I love all forms of music. It is what I live for, what heals me, what brings me ultimate joy. As my favorite man says, music is the best.

The king of my music world is Frank Zappa. He, in my opinion, is the pinnacle of 20th century musical genius. The man was so prolific that I am probably only a quarter of the way through his catalog after more than 15 years of obsession with the man.

Frank Zappa was not an artist I grew up listening to. I honestly never really knew anything about the man until I married someone who was moderately aware of Frank Zappa. It took a mostly naked hippie handcuffed to my radiator to truly bring the magic of Zappa into my world. Said hippie was singing Zappa songs while another hippie was doing things to him that made me blush. I was very naive at the time and they were guests of my ex-husband so I had to figure out a way to deal with their strangeness. So instead of staring at them I listened to the song hippie boy was singing. I was curious enough to write down the lyrics and artist so I could research it later.

Even then, it was a slow realization of his genius. I listened to the few albums I was able to find. The internet, being a foreign and new(ish) entity then, was not really available to me. My first album, Joe’s Garage, was given to me by someone who said they didn’t like it. I listened to it until my fingers were calloused from pressing play, trying to comprehend why someone didn’t get it. It was so obvious to me that it wasn’t just about the funny and strange lyrics. It was the music that had me enchanted. Those long instrumental moments that left my body behind as I danced on another plane altogether. I knew deep in my gut that I had only just scratched the surface. Soon, I began to hunt for Zappa albums at thrift stores, record stores, buy/sell/trade stores. It was my holy quest to find more albums. To my dismay, it was a difficult task. Those who had these albums did not sell or trade them in. And most of the record stores didn’t stock Frank Zappa albums. The late 1990’s were harsh for a fledgling Zappa fan. And I had yet to find someone to show me the way into the kingdom of Zappa.

Soon, I was connected to the internet. There is where I found my FZ goldmine. I spent hours listening to live recordings. It was then that it occurred to me that I had missed out on the greatest treasure in all of music, seeing Frank perform live. I was just too young to know he existed until he no longer did. Also, my head was pretty far up my own ass, musically speaking. It was not often that I strayed from my long hair metal music to really think about what I was listening to. And Frank did not show up on my radar. I felt tragically betrayed by the fates, by time, by a fraction of a generation. For the next few years, as I listened to live FZ music I felt a little bit empty inside. The longing to experience him in what I referred to as his music’s natural habitat was intense. But I had to resolve myself to make the most of what others had posted. To experience his music through their eyes.

Long after my marriage was over, my fledgling status was but a memory, I became a true Zappaite. I was finally granted my coming of age, so to speak. Frank’s son grasped the torch his father had left burning. I spent every dime I had to see my first Zappa Plays Zappa show. I went by myself so that I could avoid any distraction from the music.This was to be my night with Frank. I was in awe from the first note. I left Moonlight Gardens in an etherial afterglow. Knowing that I had finally experienced the one thing I had thought impossible. Frank came alive through his son. What I thought I knew about FZ before that show was proven to be minuscule, practically nothing. Since that night, I have discovered that I was painfully uninformed in the ways of FZ’s music. It has been a few years, and many ZPZ shows since. But I am still on a quest to know as much Zappa as I can possible know. And there will be many ZPZ shows to come. I am making connections with other Zappaites. I look forward to all of the things I have yet to learn.

I may be as eclectic as they come musically. I may worship David Bowie as a prophet of sound. But Frank Zappa will always be my Grand Wazoo. And to Dweezil Zappa I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for bringing Frank's music to new generations.

This picture was taken at that first ZPZ show (Moonlight Gardens, Cincinnati, OH). I love the look on Dweezil's face. He is just as much in awe of his fellow musicians as I am.

Earworm: The Ramones

This song has been stuck in my head for the past 7 hours. I thought I'd share. Enjoy.

Fortune and glory, Kid. Fortune and glory.

It's no secret that I have vividly weird dreams. The other day I had an incredibly vivid dream about Steven Spielberg. Since that dream I have been tearing it apart, analyzing it to pieces. It was one of those detailed dreams that stays with you for a long time. It is very similar in mental persistence as a dream I had about Linda McCartney before she passed away. That dream has never left my mind. 

This was the dream (the Spielberg one):

I get a call from a man who offers to fly me to L.A. in order to discuss his desire to purchase the rights to one of my short stories. I agree to go. After arriving in L.A. I rent a car and drive intending to go to the destination provided for a meeting. I drive along long winding road, getting more and more lost. I see a great iron gate with a guard posted outside. I pull my car to the side of the road near the gate. The guard approaches me to ask what I was doing stopping my car. I told him I was lost. I showed him my map and my destination. As we were talking a silver SUV came out of the gate. Driving the SUV was Steven Spielberg. He stops his vehicle and asks what is going on. The guard shows him my map and destination. Mr. Spielberg exclaimed that was where he was going and asked me to ride with him. Along the way to the meeting Mr. Spielberg and I have profoundly deep conversations about the definition of belief and the majesty of life and the tragedy of death. He told me he was planning on directing the film of the short story I wrote. Suddenly I begin to feel unworthy in his presence. I tell him I am unworthy of such an honor. I also tell him that I am overwhelmed by the concept of movie making and business meetings while beginning to cry. Then he tells me another reason he wanted to meet with me was to ask a very personal question. He says to me, "I also want to hire you as a live in nurse to care for me as my Alzheimer's Disease progresses. During this time I will mentor you so you can carry out my secret project. One that I've been working on since childhood." Dumbfounded, I stare at him, mouth gaping open, trying to comprehend his words. My first thought was to ask for his medical records in order to know if I was qualified to carry out his request. Then curiosity set in and I ask about his secret project. He explained that he wanted to use an ancient artifact he had to channel the story of a man he knew as Israel. Israel was the first of the chosen people to ascend to heaven. He also was the first to return to Earth as a spirit in order to guide people to the path of ascention. Mr. Spielberg felt compeled to find the story before he lost his cognitive ability to create as the Alzheimer's takes control of him. The dream ends shortly after this conversation as we arrive at our meeting. Trying to lighten the mood, we both start singing the song 'Add It Up' by The Violent Femmes. 

How I interpret this dream:

As we all know, dreams are our own subconscious trying to work out our issues. Obviously, Steven Spielberg is not literally going to appear in my life. But if I were to try and think about Spielberg as a symbol I would have to acknowledge his role in my formitive years. I remember watching Temple of Doom over and over again when I was a kid. I was obsessed with it. So maybe in my mind he is the symbol of taking action in my life and finding my adventure. But this symbol is also vulnerable. He is ill. Is it possible that my adventurous spirit is forgetting itself? I gave it Alzheimer's. Which is literally my occupation. But in the sense of this dream, I am limiting my advenure to the confines of the time left before the brain begins to die. Then my symbol of adventure assigns me an adventure to carry out. A challenge of not only mental ability but of archeological significance. He is asking me to become his Indiana Jones.

In other words, my brain is feeling like it needs adventure. A Spielberg adventure. I guess this is my anywhere but here reflex.

Also, one of my short stories played a part in my dream. That is an easy interpretation. I want people to like my stories. But in order for that to happen, I need to let people read them. Maybe I need to be adventurous and let my fear of rejection fade away. 

Dear Scotland, Do You Deliver?

Dear Scotland,

The past few days I have been indulging in my own private Scottish Fest. I have been blissfully enjoying the beautiful men you have given to the world. I first would like to thank you for this gift. Now that my gratitude is offered, I must also scream curses of unfulfilled sexual desire. If I cannot afford to grace your bonny shores, where do I find a Scottish brute to love?

Due to the fact that I believe I am in heat and my defective biological clock is about to explode with frustration, I am in a worse state of manlust for Scotsmen than ususal. Could you please find it in your heart to share your testosterone-laden bounty with me. I am only asking for an hour or two at a time. Unless of course, this mythical soulmate entity exists and he is Scottish. Then I will enjoy the bounty of Loch McSexyarse for a lifetime(ish).  If this isn't possible, quit making such delicious man-meat.

I have an unsated appetite for all things Scotland. Please throw me a bone(r). Or two. 

Propetually Lustful, 

Little Miss Fuzzy Lizzard

 

Scottish Fest at the Lizzard Lounge has included the following faces:

All I Ask Of You, Universal Powers That Be

1997, You Suck

Dear 1997,

Of all of the years I have lived, you are the year I've hated the most. Why would you attempt to make a comeback in my world knowing the pain and suffering you've caused? I have long since put you in the past where you belong. This doesn't seem to be good enough for your vindictive heart. I am beginning to think you are with the mob and I have been discovered deep within witness protection. But I must tell you, your hitman has only grazed his target. If you plan on strong-arming me again, you will have a serious fight on your hands. I will not relive 1997.

I am much stronger and a whole lot wiser than I was in 1997. You will not be able to defeat my spirit easily, as you did then. So take your weirdness and ruthless attitude and bury yourself in a time capsule with The Spice Girls. I have no need of you.

Defiantly Bitter,

Amy

 

P.S. If you see my ex-husband, tell him to fuck off too. 

Sharpie On Cardstock- Zombie Sluts

Zombiez love your brainzzz to death.

Because everyone has requested more stick people, here is a Sharpie on Cardstock rerun.