If I find the key will it even fit?
I’ve been silent on the blogesphere lately. I’m ready to reveal why. The reason for the quiet is because I’m working on a project that has metamorphasized into something I never quite expected. Forgive my rambling, but I have a lot to say and a lot to not say. It's a slippery slope at this juncture.
A few months ago I embarked on a path of physical transformation. I began a serious weight loss program, and I’m proud to say that as of now I am 33 lbs. lighter. Which is halfway to my total goal. What happened in the meantime that completely transcended the physical changes is what I am about to discuss.
For years, maybe even a decade, I have been trying to figure out a way to tell my life story in a way that doesn’t make me seem like I’ve flown over the Cuckoo’s nest. While working my ass off, literally, to get my health back in line, I inadvertently began writing little things to help remove the emotional attachment I had to my fat suit.
These little bits of therapy were written as conversations between myself and the voices of my subconscious. They had taken the form of various deities, my spirit guides, dead musicians, and fictional characters from books and movies. I was playing out events of my life as if I was discussing it with the gods.
As I was reading them, it seemed so simple, write the book I’ve been wanting to write using these conversations. So my autobiography has taken a semi-fictional turn. Once I began this process I honestly couldn’t stop. I still can’t stop writing these conversations with the voices in my head. It is flowing out as if it has been sitting there inside of me waiting for me to finally catch on. My inner voices are chomping at the bit to tell me their opinions on the events of my life. It’s a bit unnerving.
The truly transformative thing that has come about during this process are the things I’m learning about myself. The shocking theme that seems to be taking shape throughout my life is staring at me, mocking me for never seeing it before. I’ve hedged around it, but never acknowledged it as a root of my many issues. So in essence this journey is taking me to places I wanted to avoid every other time I attempted to write about myself. Including the things I’ve written in the past on this blog.
The voices themselves have even surprised me. A few of them have taken the form of public figures that have never shown up on my radar before. Even my spirit guides are transforming. One voice in particular has practically run me over with his presence. A voice that until now I’ve found irritating and irrelevant to my life. As the voices emerge, and the conversations evolve, I see myself more clearly.
Transformation, metamorphosis, transcending, emergence, evolution, growth, enlightenment; these are all the themes I began this story with. The story has become a different thing here in the middle than it was at the beginning. It is changing as it goes. I am anxious to see how my own story tell itself as I begin to weave these conversations into a cohesive narrative of my existence. I am a student of my own journey to enlightenment and hopefully will inspire others to become students of themselves.
I know most of what I am saying has been rather vague as to the project itself. I want to get more written before revealing the whole thing. And I am at a point where I must make a decision as to how personal I become in the book. I am not wanting to make this a tell-all type of book. But at the same time I am writing this for myself, it is my story as I see it. The fictional portrayal of how I see the world around me. The fantasy life I live explaining how I seek enlightenment. It mostly focuses on the spiritual journey thus far. But as with any journey of the spirit, life events define how we get from one point of view to the next. Growth is all encompassing.
I do plan on posting some of the conversations that don’t make it into the manuscript on here. Any feedback is welcome. Even if it is to say, “Hey Amy, you suck. This is a terrible conversation between you and your vagina.”
The title of this project is: How Can I Find God When I Can’t Even Find My Keys?
Here's a little snippet of my body transformation:
Before I began this journey, May 2012
After 33 lbs, July 2012
I haven't taken a full body shot as of yet. I'll upload one as soon as I feel the urge to reveal that much.
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